


The Hardest 180

by Calico_Cat_TIVA_Fan



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, summer 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-06-26 05:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15656376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calico_Cat_TIVA_Fan/pseuds/Calico_Cat_TIVA_Fan
Summary: Summer 2013: Ziva left for Israel; Tony followed her and found her. Just the two of them, working through some issues and Ziva's identity crisis. Sequel to "Aftermath" and part of the "You Complete Me" universe.





	1. Found

The Hardest 180

_Tony and Ziva in Israel summer and early fall 2013_

Chapter 1: Found

Mid-August 2013

"I'm getting close," Tony told McGee and Gibbs. "I can feel it."

Gibbs glared at his SFA over the MTAC communication, "Said that a month and a half ago."

Tony shrugged, "I'm going off the grid for a while, Boss. I'll try to text or email periodically."

"Said THAT too a month and a half ago," Gibbs motioned for McGee end the communication.

Tony closed the video communication app and then shut down the laptop. He sighed and looked towards the doorway to the farmhouse, "I hate lying to him; do you know how hard that was?"

Ziva nodded, "He probably already knows that you lied. He is Gibbs after all."

Tony moved closer to his ninja. He had followed her across the Middle East for a month, seeming to be one step behind until he rethought his plan to find her. Once he had put his mind into 'Ziva mode,' he had found her quickly. They had been together at the farmhouse for the past ten days. Yes, he had counted the days together.

"You're worth it, Zi. I would take a million head slaps just to be with you." Tony brushed his lips on hers, pulling her to him. "Just like we are now; I could stay this way forever." Ziva purred into his kisses and smiled.

"We cannot stay THIS way for too long, Tony. Doda Nettie is coming for dinner in an hour." Tony followed Ziva into the kitchen and helped her prepare dinner.

"I'm glad you decided to let me make spaghetti for Aunt Nettie," Tony grinned at Ziva as she made a salad and garlic bread. "I think she was beginning to think I wouldn't follow through on my promise to make it for her." Tony stirred the spaghetti sauce and then filled a pot with water to make the pasta once Doda Nettie arrived.

"She trusts you, Tony," Ziva reassured him. "Because I trust you, she knows she can too."

"Zivaleh, I trust Tony because he loves you," Nettie entered the kitchen with a cake in her hands. "I brought dessert." She placed the cake on the kitchen counter and hugged Ziva. Tony moved next to Ziva and hugged Nettie as well.

As Nettie seated herself on one of the barstools by the counter, Ziva finished making the salad and chatted with her Doda. Tony put the pasta into the boiling water, adding a teaspoon of olive oil and stirring to separate the strands so they wouldn't stick together. He stirred the sauce, offering a taste to Ziva. She accepted the spoonful he held out for her, commenting after she tasted, "It is better than ever, Tony. You have perfected your recipe!"

"With your help, sweetcheeks, especially with the olives and mushrooms," Tony grinned at Ziva and locked gazes with her. He leaned forward and brushed his lips on hers. Nettie watched her niece and Tony with amusement. She was so very happy for Ziva; she smiled at the couple. If only Rivka were alive to see her Zivaleh so happy.

Tony picked up the pot of spaghetti from the stove and drained the pasta. He dumped the pasta into a serving bowl and placed the bowl, the pot of sauce and some grated parmesan cheese on the table as Ziva put the salad out. Tony held Nettie's chair for her to be seated.

"Toda, Anthony." Nettie smiled at her niece's lover. He was such a polite young man and so attentive to both her and Ziva.

"Al lo davar," Tony replied as he moved to hold Ziva's chair for her.

"Toda," Ziva bushed her lips on Tony's as she sat down. He sat next to her and Nettie offered a blessing for the meal. Tony served pasta and sauce into three bowls, handing one to Nettie first, then one to Ziva and finally one for himself. Ziva served portions of salad and slices of garlic bread to three salad plates and passed them to the others, keeping one for herself.

Nettie took several bites of the spaghetti, "Anthony, this is delicious! You can make spaghetti for me any time!" She smiled at him as she spoke.

Tony grinned at Aunt Nettie, "Toda, Doda Nettie. You should also get Ziva to make lasagna for you." As he replied to Nettie, Tony swiped a piece of a meatball off Ziva's dish, grinning widely at his best friend.

As Ziva grinned back at him, she speared a piece of meat from his plate onto her fork. The couple locked eyes as Nettie watched, amused at their interactions. She now understood why Schmeil had gone into such detail about his dinner with the two. She also realized, as Schmeil had, that these two were so in love with each other; that they were soulmates in every sense of the word. Nettie knew in her heart that Rivka was smiling down on Ziva and her young man.

After the meal, Tony and Ziva put away the leftover food as Nettie put slices of cake on plates for each of them. Ziva made a pot of tea to share with her Doda. The three carried their cake to the porch, along with the tea and a glass of water for Tony. They talked about general things as the sun set and they ate the dessert. Tony wrapped an arm around Ziva as the couple sat side by side on the wicker loveseat on the porch. She leaned her head on his shoulder, her hand on his knee. He softly kissed the top of her head as they chatted with Nettie.

As the stars started appearing, Nettie finished her tea and stood up to say her goodbyes and head home. "Thank you for a wonderful dinner and even better company," she said to both Tony and Ziva. She hugged Tony and then Ziva, "Laila tov. I am sure you two lovebirds are ready for some time to yourselves." She winked at Tony and squeezed Ziva's hands in hers.

"Laila tov, Doda," Tony motioned to Ziva to walk Nettie to her car as he began gathering dishes from the porch. Ziva nodded to Tony and walked with Nettie.

At the older woman's car, she drew her Doda into a hug. "Toda, Doda. We will see you again soon."

Nettie put a hand on Ziva's cheek, "Zivaleh, he is so good for you; he is a good man and he obviously loves you so very much. I am so very happy for you, and I know your Ima is happy as well. Let your heart be fully his; you will be together forever, yaldati. He is your soulmate, yes?"

"Ken, Doda." Ziva hugged her aunt one more time. "Laila tov."

As Ziva watched the tail lights of Nettie's car disappear down the long driveway from the farmhouse, Tony came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He nuzzled into her neck, letting her curls tickle his face as he placed kisses on the nape of her neck and then nibbled her earlobe. "Mmm," he hummed into her ear. "Now shall we get back to where we were earlier?"

Ziva leaned into his embrace, "Yes…" She trailed off as he turned her to face him and locked his lips on hers. The couple kissed hungrily, and Ziva slowly headed the pair to the house, walking and kissing at the same time.

Inside, Ziva broke the kiss long enough to lock the front door and close lights. She took Tony's hand and led him to the bedroom, tugging at his clothing. He responded to her kisses and ran his hand up under her tank top. She shivered involuntarily at the touch of his hand on her skin. Oh, how he still knew the places to touch her…


	2. Flashback

Chapter 2: Flashback

June and July 2013

After Ziva's appointment with the Ob/Gyn in early June for the follow up from her miscarriage, she had started feeling restless. With neither she nor Tony working, they spent most of their time at the apartment, sometimes watching movies for the entire day. They talked and shared with each other about their loss, helping each other grieve. They had agreed that they would not tell anyone other than Ducky, who already knew, about losing the baby.

On 17 June, Ziva had a call from the lawyer in Tel Aviv who was helping settle Eli's estate. Ziva was the sole heir, and even she was surprised at how many properties Eli had owned in various places around the world as well as properties in Israel. There were several documents that Ziva needed to sign and have witnessed for the execution of the will. Tony suggested that Ziva go to Israel to take care of what needed to be done and he would join her near the beginning of July.

Tony took Ziva to Dulles on 19 June for her flight with an evening departure to Tel Aviv. He would join her in Israel on his birthday and they would make plans from there. Both were thinking of a month long vacation in Ziva's birth land before heading back to DC. While they were apart, they agreed to text and call, with Ziva initiating any calls since she had to work around lawyer appointments.

Less than forty eight hours after SecNav had been murdered and Tony's apartment shot up, the first indication of trouble came on 1 July when Ziva did not send her usual good morning text to Tony. He sent her a text but it was several hours before he received a reply of just two words: ' _Be careful_ '. He was anxious to get to Ziva to make sure she was safe, but Vance and Gibbs wanted Tony to stay at the Navy Yard for his safety. What worried him the most was the lack of contact from Ziva. Only one cryptic message about SecNav had come through.

After Tony threatened to escape and catch his scheduled flight on 7 July, Gibbs relented and convinced Leon to have a security detail take Tony to the airport. Tony boarded his flight to Israel with apprehension and a bit of trepidation. He had not heard from Ziva in almost a week, nothing had been determined about who shot up his apartment nor about who shot SecNav. He worried that Ziva had been captured or injured. He had sent her a text that his flight was on time and as they had planned, but she had not responded.

As the flight took off, he 'saw' his ninja, "We will be okay, Tony." He sighed at the hopefulness in his heart but his mind was telling him differently. He should have never let her go to Israel alone; he should have been by her side the whole time.

When the flight landed in Tel Aviv, Tony headed to baggage claim, hoping to spot the familiar head of wild curls awaiting him. Instead, several Mossad officers had come up beside him as he grabbed his bag and guided him to a waiting vehicle.

On the drive to Mossad headquarters, no one spoke. Once at Mossad, Adam Eschel and Orli Elbaz explained about the attack on Eli's safe house in Yavne'el and that Ziva may have left a message for Tony. Orli gave him further details and indicated that Ziva had probably been injured in a fight as some of the blood at the scene of the attack had matched to Ziva's. Thus began the trek across the Middle East, with Tony feeling that he was a step behind his love for the entire journey from Tel Aviv to Haifa to Amman to Cairo to Yemen to Be'er Sheva and back to Tel Aviv. Ziva's childhood friend Deena Bashan had first told Tony that she had not seen Ziva, but when he figured out that she had lied to him, he had returned to confront her.

The words she spat at him stung, "Why should she have the man she loves when she took that from me? Had it been anyone else, I would have told them the truth about Ziva. But you, I could not and would not."

Tony had stormed into Mossad headquarters next, demanding to see Orli immediately. He asked her what she knew and she replied in her usual non-answer manner. But she did indicate that several items were in an envelope which she handed to him before wishing him well in his search for Ziva. "You and I both know that if Ziva David does not want to be found, she will not be."

Tony said nothing, but thought to himself that he would show Orli and the rest of them that he would indeed find Ziva. He knew her better than anyone. As he opened the envelope, he realized that she had left him clues. Her Star of David necklace was one of them. The pictures of her with Ari and Tali and the picture of Eli and a very pregnant Rivka were two more. He recognized the Be'er Sheva house in the picture of the siblings, having just been there himself. He had been close to Ziva; he felt her presence at the house and the food in the fridge had indicated her recent occupancy of the dwelling.

The house in the picture of Ziva's parents was unknown to Tony at first. When he went through the list of properties from the lawyer, he immediately recognized the remote farm house north of Tel Aviv.

He had returned to the Be'er Sheva house for the night to review the information from Orli and the lawyers. Where oh where was his Ziva? She had seemed to trace a backwards journey through her life over the past month. He plotted every place he had been in the trek to find her on a map and connected the dots as he thought about how he could catch up to her. As he connected the path he had followed her, he came to a sudden realization.

The entire path had created a large spiral inward to one place; the farm house! He now knew where she was heading if she was not already there. Tomorrow, he would surveille the farm house property and determine if she were present. After that he would make his move and attempt contact with the only woman who mattered in his life.

The picture of her parents must be from when Rivka was pregnant with Ziva; of course! Her ROOTS, the place where she was brought to life… she may have been born in Be'er Sheva, but he was certain that she had been conceived at the farm house now. She had completed the journey to home; to her beginning.

In the morning, he had driven to the farm house driveway and parked the rental car. He walked onto the property but not up the driveway. From a position in the orchard, he had observed Ziva sitting on the porch of the house. She was not agitated nor was she relaxed. He could tell she was deep in thought, but also troubled from the expression on her face. All he wanted to do at that point was run to her and wrap her in his arms. Something held him back though and he just observed.

When Ziva went into the house, he headed back to the rental car and drove to Be'er Sheva to collect his belongings and make a plan. He would return the rental car, and then get a ride to drop him at the end of the driveway. He would walk to the house, his bags in hand, and hope for the best. In Tel Aviv, once Tony had returned the rental, he called Adam Eschel.

"Hey, I found Ziva, and I need your help," Tony began.

"If anyone could have found her, it had to be you," Adam had seen the couple together in Berlin. "I will be there in fifteen minutes."

Tony waited for Adam; he debated calling Ziva and letting her know he was near. He decided against calling, not wanting her to go on the run again. He NEEDED to see her, to hold her, to be with her. He needed her to be with him.

Adam dropped Tony at the end of the drive, "I wish you luck, Tony. If anyone can get Ziva to open up and be able to help her, it is you."

"Thank you, Adam. You are a true friend." Tony shook hands with the Shin Bet officer, one of the few Israelis he trusted with his life. He took his bag out of the back seat and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He waved to Adam and turned for the trek up the mile long driveway in the growing twilight.

At the house, he noticed that Ziva was neither on the porch nor outside anywhere visible. He climbed the steps to the front door, stopping in front of the door before knocking. He took a deep breath and rapped on the wood door. He waited but there was no answer. He knocked again.

"Ziva, it's me, Tony. It's okay to open the door!" he called out. He barely had time to register that the door had been opened when he was yanked inside and the door slammed behind him. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness inside the house, Ziva flung herself into his arms.

"You should not have come," she hissed, but her voice betrayed the emotion at seeing her lover for the first time in nearly two months. "You should have stayed in DC…" She was cut off by Tony fusing his lips to hers.

The couple broke the kiss for air; Tony caressed Ziva's face with his hands. "Oh, Zi, it's okay; I'm here now…" He brushed tears from her cheeks and softly brushed his lips on hers, making eye contact.

She fixed her gaze on his, stroking his face and lightly wiping the tears on his cheeks. "Tony, I… I am sorry. I have hurt you yet again. All this pain, the center of it is me…" she trailed off as he placed a finger on her lips.

"Not now, Zi… we will talk, but right now I just want to hold you in my arms, please?" He drew her to him, rubbing a hand on her back to soothe her. He felt her sobbing on his shoulder and his heart broke for her.

She cried in his arms for several minutes as he guided her to the sofa and they sat together. He stroked her face and hair as she leaned into him. No words were needed; they both needed the touch of the other the most at the moment.

"I do not deserve you, Tony," she whispered.

"Hey, you deserve anything you want. Ani ohev otach, Zi, ALWAYS. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you, ever." Tony tried to comfort Ziva, but he was afraid his words would not do. He helped her up and led her to her room, motioning for her to lie on the bed. "Sleep sweet cheeks, I am here to keep you safe." He turned to find himself a place to sleep in another room.

"Stay with me, Tony, please?" She moved over on the bed and patted the space next to her.

He lay down and wrapped his arms around her, "Shh, sleep; I have you…" He rubbed her back with his hand and listened as her breathing evened out. She snuggled into his arms and he too fell asleep.

Ten hours later, Tony awoke before Ziva. She was spooned into his embrace, sleeping soundly. He figured it was the most sleep she had in a long time. He softly kissed her neck and head, her familiar scent his comfort and soothing. He inched closer to her, savoring every inch of her contact with his body. She felt so right in his arms. He vowed to himself to do whatever she needed. Nothing was out of his reach if it was for her.


	3. Off the Grid

Chapter 3: Off the Grid

August 2013

Tony awoke to Ziva trying to untangle her limbs from his in the early morning hours. The sun was just starting to cast its light into the house.

"I did not mean to wake you," Ziva spoke softly as she noticed Tony's eyes flutter open and watch her moving. "I planned to let you sleep…"

"It's okay, if you're awake, I want to be awake with you," Tony yawned and put a hand on Ziva's hip.

She put her hand on top of his, and smiled, "Let me take care of the reason I was getting up and I will be right back to you…" She moved off the bed and padded to the bathroom, swinging the door but not shutting it. As she took care of her need, she heard footsteps approaching the door.

"My turn next," Tony swung the door open and stretched. As he took care of his own need, Ziva brushed a hand along his skin above his hip; a spot that she knew was one of his ticklish places. "Hey, no fair! Tickling a defenseless me…" Ziva giggled and ran towards the bed, Tony on her heels. He fake tackled her, pushing her down onto the bed, pinning her sides with his knees. He moved his hands closer to her lower ribs, her most ticklish spot, laughing as she squirmed to get free.

He started kissing her body and the fire built between them. They made love with a hot desire and an urgent need for release. As they lay in each other's embrace, sated, Tony joked that they had their exercise for the day. Ziva smirked at him, "Maybe…"

As they lay together cuddling and listening to the morning sounds from outside, the quiet was interrupted by Ziva's phone. She rolled to her side to pick the phone up from the nightstand, making note of the caller ID. Tony noticed her frown as she sat up to answer the call.

"Shalom," Ziva sat on the edge of the bed. She stood up and moved closer to the window as Tony watched her expression move from curiosity to concern to anger. Her replies to whoever was on the line became more animated and louder as the call went on.

When the tears started sliding down her cheeks, he got up and walked over to her. He slid his arms around her waist and held her as she finished the call.

"Toda," Ziva ended the call tersely and threw her phone onto the bed.

"Hey, I caught about half of that conversation on your side," Tony whispered into Ziva's ear. "What about Nettie?"

Ziva spun to face him, "She was in a car accident about two hours ago. Adam says that she was run off the road on her way to the markets in Haifa."

"Is she okay?" Tony wiped a few tears from Ziva's face with his thumbs. He placed his hand under her chin and tilted her head upward so that he could make eye contact with her.

"She is bruised and has some cuts, and obviously shaken up, but otherwise okay." Ziva's eyes had a fire that Tony had only seen a few other times; none of them had been pleasant.

"Do you want to go to her?" Tony offered. "I can drive us to wherever she is now."

"Yes, and no," Ziva started, "Oh, hell, Tony, I do not know what I want right now."

He stroked her cheek with his hand, "It's okay to cry, you know…" Ziva shook her head and brushed at the few tears that remained.

"I… I do not know… everyone I love is being hurt… the center of all this pain is me…" Ziva sobbed into Tony's shoulder.

"Shh, hey, it's okay," Tony wrapped his arms around Ziva and rubbed small circles on her back with his hand as he held his sobbing ninja. "I'm here for you…"

"You should leave," Ziva blurted out. "I do not want you to get hurt anymore."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere. My place is with you, Zi," Tony tried to comfort his best friend. "What happened to that little girl who wanted to be a ballerina and go to America?"

"That little girl was strong; she would have stood up to her father and stopped the pain and the hurt," Ziva choked out. "I am afraid she is gone with everyone else…"

"Nah, Zi, she's still there. She just needs to see herself as a strong and positive person," Tony picked up Ziva's 'I Will' list from the top of the dresser. "You know, there's still plenty of room on the back for a new list."

"But, I…"

"I can help you, Ziva. I know you want to change; I can change with you, but you have to let me in. Please?"

Ziva took Tony's hand in hers and led him to the living room. She sat on the sofa and patted the spot next to her for him to sit as well. He sat and took her hands in his.

"Zi…"

"Tony, I… my… my mind is not in a good place right now. Why am I here when I have caused so much pain to others? Why am I the one who is still alive, when I took so many lives?"

"Did you take those lives on a whim or just because you wanted to, Zi?"

"Well, no, but…" Ziva began to reply and choked on her words. "Tony, somebody loved each one of the people I have killed. Ari, he…"

"He was your brother; and he was out of control, Ziva. He needed to be stopped and you did just that!" Tony was not going to let her go down the darkest of paths if he could help it. "Yes, you loved him, but he wasn't the same man you loved at the end.

"Is this about what Deena Bashan told you? The Ari that she loved was not the same Ari that you shot in Gibbs' basement. The Ari you killed was filled with hate and with darkness."

"But somebody loved him; somebody mourned for him…" Ziva protested. "All of them, not just Ari…"

"And all I'm saying is that you were justified in your actions. They needed to be stopped from doing evil and harming others, Ziva. To them, the love of others didn't matter anymore. They were beyond love at that point. Ari couldn't love anyone when he hated himself."

"Our father did that to him; once Ari found out that Eli had his mother killed, he changed. But that does not mean that I should have killed my own brother, Tony." Ziva's words began to show Tony just how twisted her thoughts were and how much she was torturing herself over it.

"Ziva, I can't make it go away, but I can help you get better. I'm fighting for you. I can change with you, and I can help you change. You just have to let me in; let the walls down again. It's me; Tony; your lovable idiot…" He tried to get her to smile, and noticing a small upward movement of her mouth, he smiled himself.

"Toda, Tony," Ziva spoke softly and placed her hands on his face. "I do not deserve your love, but I will cherish it always." She brushed her lips over his, pressing their foreheads together. They stayed that way, softly sharing kisses and gazing into each other's eyes for nearly half an hour in silence. All their communication was with their touches and eyes.

When the quiet was broken by the rumbling of Tony's stomach and then Ziva's as if in reply, they both started giggling. "Come, let us get some food," Ziva stood up and reached for Tony's hand. She led him to the kitchen and together the pair made a salad to share in a single large bowl.

As the month of August progressed, the couple explored Israel, with Ziva showing Tony the places that held so many memories for her. They spent time at the Haifa beach house, on the beach, at the remote property in Yavne'el. Tony learned much about young Ziva, her hopes, her dreams, her desire to be loved by her father. Some days Ziva would retreat into her mind, thinking about her life. Tony learned to give her some space and time and then she would open up to him, sharing her fears and the torment in her thoughts. About once per week, he sent a text to Tim to let the younger man know that he was okay. Most of the texts were short and cryptic, Tony not giving away many clues. ' _Still off the grid; things going okay_ ,' was the current week's message.


	4. Convince Me

Chapter 4: Convince Me

September 2013

The first Wednesday in September, as Ziva was putting away laundry, she found the box in Tony's socks drawer. The small dark blue velvet jeweler's box had logo from a New York jeweler. Ziva had pushed some of the socks in the drawer to one side to make room for the clean socks from the laundry. Her hand had come into contact with something small and hard.

She pulled the box from the drawer and held it in her hand, staring at it. She had no idea that Tony had brought it until today. She knew that the box held his mother's engagement ring, a beautiful piece with sapphires and diamonds. He had shown it to her back in the States. She heard him coming into the bedroom from the kitchen and quickly shoved the box back into the pile of socks.

"Time for lunch, Zi," Tony announced. He took one look at her face and his grin disappeared. "What is it, Ziva? You look as though you have seen a ghost."

"Nothing," Ziva brushed off his concern. She did not want to go down this road yet. "I am hungry; what did you make?"

Tony took Ziva's hand in his, "It's not nothing, Zi, your eyes tell me otherwise, but I will let it go for now, if that's what you want. You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Ziva nodded, and then tugged him in the direction of the kitchen. "Let us eat; I am starved! Do I smell chicken saltimbocca?"

"You do," Tony grinned at his ninja. He loved cooking for her, especially her favorite dishes. He held her chair for her, brushing his lips on hers as she moved to sit.

He served Ziva her meal and then put his own plate on the table. "Since tonight is the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, do you want to do anything special?" he asked, watching Ziva's reaction.

She looked at him with a surprised look, "I did not know that you noticed, but then again I should not be surprised. I bought the raisin challah, apples, honey and pomegranates at the market this morning." Tony nodded as she continued, "I would like to observe tashlich tomorrow, and also light the candles both nights."

"We can walk to the small stream in the orchard tomorrow afternoon," Tony suggested. "I bought a kippah at the market this morning. Teach me the traditions, Ziva. I want to learn them for you."

Ziva looked at the man with tears in her eyes, "I do not deserve you, Tony. Toda raba." He raised their joined hands to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand.

"For you, I would do anything; just ask…" he whispered as she pressed her forehead to his.

On the first day of Rosh Hashanah, Ziva spent most of the morning explaining the rituals and traditions of the High Holidays to Tony. He listened attentively, repeating greetings and responses in Hebrew as she taught him. "Leshana tovah," he responded when prompted.

After lunch, they walked to the stream at the far side of the orchards and Ziva recited the prayers for tashlich in both Hebrew and English. Both she and Tony tossed the symbolic bread crumbs into the moving water to carry away the sins of the old year. Ziva showed him how to shake his clothing symbolizing the shaking of crumbs from one's person.

On the way back to the house, she prepared him for the first night's meal. She explained each food and its reasons. Starting with the Kiddush over the wine, she carefully taught him the blessings and meanings. Round raisin challah dipped in honey and apples dipped in honey for sweetness and good things to come in the New Year; the fish head for the desire to be a head and not a tail; and the pomegranates for the wish to have one's merits be as plentiful as the seeds of the pomegranate. Her mother had also included a carrot based dish, tzimmes, for abundance in the New Year.

After dinner, they sat and talked on the porch as the night grew darker. Tony realized the significance of Ziva's personal struggles and the Jewish High Holidays. "This is the perfect time to start your new 'I Will' list, Ziva," he began. "I can help you, if you want. I think I'm going to start my own list. We can change together, you know."

"New beginnings and forgiveness are the main messages of the High Holidays. I am not so sure I deserve forgiveness for all that I have done to cause pain to others," Ziva had a far-away look in her eyes. "I know you are trying to help, Tony, and I appreciate all that you are doing. I am just having a difficult time with figuring out who Ziva David wants to be. I know who I am from my past and I do not like what I have become…"

"Come on, Zi, you have to like some part of who you are," Tony prodded. "Okay, I get that you don't like assassin Ziva or even Eli David's daughter Ziva, but what about NCIS Special Agent Ziva? Or Abby and McGee's sister Ziva? Or Gibbs' daughter Ziva? Hmmm?"

Ziva shook her head and whispered, "I do not know…" She looked at her hands.

"Hey," Tony placed his hand under her chin and raised her head to make eye contact with his ninja. "What about the Ziva that I care about? The one I love?" He fixed his gaze on her brown orbs, reading her eyes that never shut up, at least to him.

Ziva gazed into the familiar green pools, and sighed. "Tony, how can you be so certain of who I am when I am so conflicted?" A few tears slid down her cheeks; Tony gently brushed them away. He placed a light kiss on each cheek and then took her hands in his.

"Ziva, let me be your rock, your certainty, while you are finding the Ziva you want to be. I see a strong woman, a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman, a caring woman, someone I want to be with, a woman that I cannot live without. Let me see her for you until you can see her for yourself." Tony pleaded with her with his eyes as well as his words. "Please?"

"I… I… will… try," Ziva leaned into Tony's embrace as he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her to him, rubbing her back with his hand as she rested her head over his heart. The steady beat comforted her in ways she could not explain. "Toda."

The couple fell asleep with his arms around her and her head over his heart. Neither woke until after sunrise the next morning.

On the second day of Rosh Hashanah, Ziva explained the week of the High Holidays and Yom Kippur to Tony. She explained the fasting for twenty five hours, the asking for and giving of forgiveness in the week prior to the holiday and other traditions, including refraining from sex for the holiday, dressing in white and not wearing leather. Tony absorbed it all and made notes to himself about things he needed to check or purchase before sundown on the thirteenth.

Several times during the week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Ziva asked Tony if he forgave her for any hurt or harm she had caused to him. Each time he responded, "Of course I forgive you, Ziva. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you."

Twice Tony also asked Ziva to forgive anything he had done to cause her pain, hurt or anguish. She immediately granted forgiveness and smiled at him, "Tony, you are the most constant thing in my life right now. I love you for that."

The couple also worked on their "wills" with Ziva starting a new list and Tony starting his first list. Ziva's first item on her new list was "I will let go of the badge." Tony was sad that she no longer wanted to do what she did best, but he understood. She needed to change her outlook and work to change to who she wanted to be. Several of Tony's items on his list were variations of his bucket list from a few years ago: "I will let friends get closer. I will forgive Dad and tell him it's okay. I will learn to play the bass."

On the morning of the thirteenth of September, erev Yom Kippur, the pair headed to the market. Ziva bought challah, chicken breasts, fresh vegetables and rice for the pre-fast meal before sundown and bagels, broth, fresh cheese and eggs for the breaking fast meal the next day. Tony found some white jeans to wear with his white dress shirt and a pair of white slip-on canvas shoes. He also purchased a white kippah from the same store. Tony practiced the Yom Kippur greetings Ziva had taught him, "G'mar tov," and "Tzom kal."

Once back at the farmhouse, Ziva started preparing the final meal before the fast. She reminded Tony that he did NOT have to participate in fasting, but he reiterated his intent to fast for the entire twenty five hours. Ziva patted his cheek as she kissed him lightly, "Toda, Tony. I know that going without food for that long is a challenge for you. I will understand if you cannot make it through."

"I will be okay, Zi; if it is important to you, it is important to me," Tony reassured her, and he had to admit, himself as well. He had never gone that long without food, but if it was for Ziva, he would do it. Besides, judging from the size of the meal they were currently making, he would be able to stuff himself in preparation for the fast.

Once the vegetables were prepared for steaming and the chicken was soaking in the marinade, Ziva suggested that they shower and then dress for dinner. In the bedroom, the couple undressed each other deliberately, the desire growing between them. Ziva tugged Tony's boxers over his hips and let them drop to the floor and she pushed him towards the bed. Her eyes were filled with desire and Tony's matched hers. They made love slowly and tenderly, savoring the feel of each other, driving to climax. The couple lay entwined, hearts pounding together for several minutes before heading to the shower.

After showering, they dressed in robes and cooked the meal of olive chicken, rice pilaf and grilled vegetables for their pre-fast feast. Ziva recited the Kiddush over the wine before breaking the challah. They dipped the pieces of the bread into honey and ate it with the meal. Tony ate three helpings of the olive chicken, one of his favorite dishes that Ziva cooked. When they could eat no more, the couple cleared the table and washed dishes. The few bits of leftover food were put in containers and refrigerated.

With the kitchen cleaned up, it was nearly sundown. Ziva lit the candles and recited the blessings as Tony soaked it all in. They moved out to the loveseat on the porch and cuddled, savoring the touch and nearness of each other. They watched as the stars appeared and the waxing gibbous moon moved across the sky. "Make a wish on the first star you see, Ziva," Tony whispered to her. She nodded and made her wish as did he.

"I wish to be at peace with me," Ziva sighed.

"I wish for us," Tony's wish was from the heart. He wanted nothing more than to go home, wherever that may be, with Ziva at his side. He thought about the ring in his sock drawer. He would bring it out soon.

They sat quietly and cuddled, until Tony noticed that Ziva had fallen asleep in his arms. He moved her gently, and stood up. He picked her up bridal style and carried her to the bedroom despite her protests that she could walk on her own. Once in the bedroom, Tony stripped to his boxers and Ziva put on Tony's OSU shirt over her panties. They snuggled in the bed, falling asleep quickly in each other's embrace.

In the morning, they dressed in white; Tony in his white jeans, white dress shirt and white canvas shoes with the white kippah on his head and Ziva in a white peasant dress with white sneakers. Tony slipped the ring box into his pocket.

The couple sat in companionable silence with Ziva resting her head on Tony's shoulder and his arm around her in the porch loveseat for almost an hour. They listened to the sounds of the day, shared light kisses and held hands, each lost in the nearness of the other.

Ziva's head was also filled with thoughts of guilt for all the lives she had taken over the years. She wanted to redefine herself into someone who was not just Eli David's assassin daughter or a Mossad officer or even an NCIS special agent. She needed to get away from the death and destruction of the life of a crime fighter. But how? She remembered her "will;" I will have a boy and a girl was the only thing on the list that she had not at least partially accomplished. She had been a ballerina until she was eight, when Eli forbid her from having any additional lessons. She had visited Iceland and America and was now an American citizen. She had ridden horses many times. She had even lived in a castle in Scotland during a three month assignment there when she was Mossad. After the miscarriage in the spring, she doubted motherhood was in the future for her. The only man who she would even consider to be the father of her children was right there with her. But her body seemed to have other plans; the hurt and pain from the miscarriage was still raw for her in some ways. Yes, she and Tony had talked through their feelings and it brought them closer, but she still felt guilty about the anguish he had suffered with the loss of their baby. It was her fault; it was HER body that would not carry the child to term.

Tony's thoughts were on assessing his life with Ziva. He wanted nothing more than to build a life with her and start a family. He was ready to commit to her for the rest of his days, but was also worried about Ziva's current state of mind. She had overwhelmingly reiterated her feelings of guilt for lost lives, including the loss of their child in the spring. He didn't care if she stayed at home and raised babies or bagged groceries at the local supermarket. All he wanted was to have her home, with him, forever. His thoughts drifted to the box that had been in his sock drawer, now in his pocket. Would she say yes if he asked?

Tony ran his fingers lazily through Ziva's curls; he had a deep fascination with her hair for some reason and the few times she had let him brush it had been a major turn on for him. She looked at him as his hands played with her curls, meeting his gaze. They locked eyes and sat gazing into the other's for almost forty minutes. Eyes that reflected so much love and also some worry; eyes that never shut up as far as the other was concerned. Tony bent and softly brushed his lips on Ziva's never breaking eye contact. "Ani ohev otcha," he whispered, "Lenatsecha. Ani shelecha, ha'ahavah sheli." ( _I love you. Always. I'm yours, my love._ )

Ziva smiled at her lover, "Ani ohevet otach. Your Hebrew is really getting much better, Tony."

"For you, I would get the moon if you wanted it," he replied.

Tony shifted position and dropped to his knee in front of Ziva. "Haim tinassei li?" ( _Will you marry me?_ ) He pulled the ring box from his pocket and opened it towards her. "Will you be my wife Ziva and make a home with me?"

Ziva looked at him in shock; she had not expected this at all, even knowing that he had brought the ring with him. Tears started flowing down her cheeks as she tried to speak. Her heart wanted to say yes, shout it from the rooftops, but her mind said she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve him and his love at all. The tears flowed faster as she tried to work through the internal conflict.

"Oh, Tony," she began. "My heart says yes, a thousand times yes…"

He looked in her eyes, "But?"

"You know me too well, my love. My mind says that I do not deserve your love," Ziva sobbed. "How can I love you when I cannot love myself?"

Tony wrapped his arms around his ninja, holding her while she sobbed on his shoulder. He rubbed his hand over her back, trying to soothe her, and placed gentle kisses on her head. "Sweetcheeks, you deserve every bit of it; I don't deserve you…"

Ziva sniffled and snuggled closer to him, feeling the warmth and safety of his embrace as he continued, "And I probably just broke a thousand Jewish laws by proposing on Yom Kippur during the fasting…"

Ziva smiled through her tears, "You did not. Actually the day after Yom Kippur is considered a very good day to get married." Tony's eyebrows rose at that comment. "Not that I am suggesting that we do so." Ziva watched his face fall. "We would have had to plan everything already!"

"Oh; well, will you let me put the ring on your finger?" he asked with a bit of hesitation. "Please?"

She nodded slightly and Tony slipped the ring on her finger; it fit like it belonged there. He grinned at her and then kissed her. "Remember that is just a maybe; I still have a lot to work on to redefine Ziva." He nodded his agreement with her comment. She fused her lips on his and they sat kissing and cuddling for a while.

Later in the afternoon, Tony was adding to his "will" and he looked up to see Ziva watching him. She grinned and held up her hand with the ring. He grinned back at her. He noticed that she also was writing on her new list. She turned back to her writing and he added an item to his list: "I will have a family."

As sundown got closer, Tony's stomach started rumbling. He had not even noticed the fasting when he was distracted by Ziva and writing his list. She looked up at a particularly loud rumble and started giggling. She walked over to him and patted his stomach, "Soon we can break the fast."

As the final hour ended, Ziva began taking out the ingredients for a quiche. She mixed eggs, milk, cheese and chopped mushrooms, onions and olives and poured the ingredients into the pie crust she had made several days before. She put the quiche in the oven and placed bowls of broth at both of their places along with tea and apple juice. "We will eat high carb foods to break the fast; eating meat or heavy foods will make for upset stomachs," she explained to Tony.


	5. The Hardest 180

Chapter 5: The Hardest 180

30 September - 1 October 2013

The rest of September was spent together in semi-seclusion. Ziva continued to wear the ring when they were in the house, but put it on a chain when they went to market or to Nettie's house for dinner. She told Tony that she was just not ready to announce it to the world. He understood and reminded her that he was fine with her decision.

On 28 September, Tony checked his e-mail. He had messages from Leon Vance and from HR that he was running out of time off days and that he needed to make a decision about staying at or leaving NCIS. With the remaining comp time that he had accrued, he had to be back in DC no later than close of business on 3 October to keep the job. He was torn between the job he loved and the woman he loved.

On the afternoon of 30 September, he and Ziva walked in the olive grove to bury her "will" in the place it had been when she was a child. Her new list had four items: I will let go of the badge; I will find myself; I will learn to love myself; I will be a wife and mother someday.

"Feel better?" Tony asked when she placed the final shovelful of dirt over the metal box.

"Not really, but it is a start," she replied.

Tony took Ziva's hand in his, "I know you want to change. I can change with you. I just want you home with me."

"The first thing on my new list is I will let go of the badge."

"I know; you can bag groceries for all I care, just come home, with me… I'm fighting for you, Ziva. I can change with you…" Tony had to fight back his tears. He kissed Ziva's hands as she moved closer to him.

She placed a hand on either side of his face, looking into his eyes. Their foreheads met and they tenderly caressed each other's faces, finally locking lips in a passionate and tear-filled kiss. Tony's stomach chose to let out a loud growl at that moment, causing them both to laugh.

"Come, let us make some dinner and then you can get ready for your flight," Ziva led him to the house. They made olive chicken and rice and Tony suggested that they take the food to the olive grove and have a picnic dinner under the stars. Ziva agreed and when he suggested that she change to her peasant dress she smiled at him. Tony put on jeans and his white shirt. They grabbed a blanket from the linen closet and headed to the olive grove hand in hand. Ziva poured wine for each of them and then served the food to plates. They ate the meal between kisses and Tony even stole a few bites from Ziva's plate. She laughed and took food from his plate.

Once the meal was finished, they packed the dishes and utensils into the picnic hamper and moved together on the blanket. Kisses became more passionate and desire built between them. Tony began caressing Ziva's body, savoring every inch of her skin as he built her arousal. She opened his shirt and touched his chest and sides, trying to commit his body to her sensory memory. His hands moved to her sensitive areas, slowly and tenderly building her to climax. He kissed every inch of her body, wanting to remember this night forever. She moaned his name as she climaxed and then tore at his waistband on his jeans. She realized he had no underwear and quickly shimmied the jeans over his hips. He pushed them the rest of the way off his feet as he moved over her.

Ziva pulled him to her, wrapping her legs around his waist as he entered her core, slowly and deliberately. He wanted to commit every sensation, every feeling, every part of her body to memory. He stroked slowly at first, pausing deep inside her, allowing them both to savor the union of their bodies. "Oh, Ziva," he moaned into her kisses.

"Oh, Tony," she moaned in response, grinding herself against him. He tried to keep control as long as possible to make the moment last for as long as he could. When she started writhing in pleasure beneath him, he started driving faster and harder, pushing them both to the edge. He felt her core tighten around him as she arched her hips into him and moaned his name, "To-oo-ny…"

Her orgasm sent him over the top and he thrust deep releasing his seed inside her. "Oh, Zi…" he moaned as he climaxed. Tears streamed from his eyes as he kissed her over and over. Their breaths came in shared gasps and kisses in between. They rolled to their sides, still entwined as they came down, still softly kissing each other. The night sky was filled with stars, but neither one noticed as the focus was solely on the other.

After about a half hour, Ziva's phone sounded the alarm she had set and they reluctantly gathered up the remains of the picnic, the blanket and their clothing. The pair headed back to the house to shower and finish packing Tony's bags. Ziva joined Tony in the shower and after washing each other's hair, they shared another round of love-making. This time was more urgent and primal, knowing it would be their last for a while.

After Tony put on his boxers, jeans and shirt, he turned to Ziva, "There's still time to change your mind, you know." He put the ring box with its precious contents into his carryon bag as he spoke. "I have your heart in here…"

"I have to do this alone, Tony," Ziva replied through tears. "It is not forever, just until I figure out who I want to be. I promise."

Tony nodded that he understood, and tossed her his OSU shirt. "Keep this." She grinned at him and put the shirt on her dresser. "You have my heart forever, Zi…" He wiped at his eyes and zipped his bags.

The ride to the airport was mostly in silence; they held hands as Ziva drove. Once at the airport, Tony checked his large bag and headed to the gate. Ziva held his hand for the entire walk to the tarmac, trying to hold back her tears. Her heart kept asking what the hell she thought she was doing sending him away. Her mind replied that she needed to find herself and learn to love herself on a solo journey so that she could be with her soulmate down the road and love him without hesitation or reserve. He deserved a whole Ziva, whoever that should be.

They got to the point where she could not follow unless she was also boarding the plane. "There's still time to change your mind, Ziva," Tony again reminded her. Ziva fought the urge to get on the plane with him, telling her heart that she needed to take her solo path to be completely his in the future.

"Tony, you are so…" she began.

"What, funny? handsome?" he joked.

"LOVED!" Ziva declared through her tears. Tony pulled her to him and fused his lips on hers. Tears flowed freely over both of their faces, neither one wanting to break the contact.

When the final boarding call announcement played over the loudspeakers, Tony pulled away reluctantly. "Hardest one eighty of my life…" He walked backwards maintaining eye contact with Ziva until he had to turn to avoid tripping. He climbed the steps and paused at the top, looking back at his soulmate one last time. He fought the urge to run down the steps and go back to her, DC and NCIS be damned. He knew in his mind that she needed to make her solo journey but that didn't make leaving any easier. Through his tears, he waved to Ziva and stepped into the plane.

Ziva sobbed as she watched the love of her life climb the stairs; she fought the urge to run after him and go with him back to DC. Her mind pushed the urge back reminding her that she needed to do this alone, to find Ziva and redefine herself so that she could board a flight back to DC in the near future and be with him, whole and ready to be his wife and maybe even the mother of his children.

As the plane taxied, Ziva watched and let her tears flow. When the plane lifted from the runway, she headed back to the car. She sat in the driver's seat and sobs wracked her body. She put her hand on the passenger seat to steady herself and startled when she touched a large paper envelope. She picked it up and opened the flap. Inside were pictures of her and Tony and the picture from his boarding school days. The empty ring box was at the bottom of the envelope. Inside, he had written a note and taped a tiny key. ' _This is the key to my heart; it is yours forever. T_ ' Ziva smiled to herself and started the car to head to the farmhouse.

On the plane, Tony settled in once the plane reached cruising altitude and began to write another 'will." He reached to put his pen into his pocket and it hit something. He fished into his pocket and pulled out Ziva's Star of David necklace. Attached to it was a tiny note, ' _I am yours forever. Z_ ' Tony smiled through his tears and leaned back against the seat, the promise of her love soothing his heart.


	6. Broken Heart in DC

Chapter 6: Broken Heart in DC

October 2013

Tony arrived at Dulles at 0835 on the morning of 1 October. He gathered his bag from baggage claim and found a taxi to take him to his apartment. He paid the driver and looked around the neighborhood before entering the front door with his access card. Not much had changed in the three months he was gone. Only him; he knew for sure that he was not the same person who left in July. He opened his door to a musty smell from the apartment being closed up for the time he was gone. He put his bag in the bedroom and grabbed his keys.

He went to the car and drove to Ziva's apartment, letting himself in with his own key. Even though she had been gone from the place for almost four months, he could smell her scent lingering and everything in the place reminded him of her. He choked back a sob and reminded himself why he had come in the first place; he needed his suits and shirts for work. He grabbed several suits and five shirts from the closet and a week's worth of socks and underwear along with three pairs of shoes.

He couldn't stay here overnight or he would never leave. Too many reminders of Ziva and the life they had together were here. He would come on the weekends in October and move her things to storage, and move his things back to his place. He looked at the queen sized bed they had shared for the past year; he would put his twin sized bed in storage and move their bed to his place. It would be his one reminder of her; he felt he needed it. Plus her one thousand thread count Egyptian cotton sheets were like sleeping on clouds.

After packing the clothing in his car, Tony took one last look around and on a whim, grabbed Ziva's pillow off the bed. He held it close and inhaled her scent. Fresh tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he walked to the car clutching the pillow. Next up would be getting some food. He grabbed a burger at the first fast food place he passed on the way to his place. He scarfed it down not really tasting anything. After a summer of cooking with Ziva, he figured any meal eaten out would be meaningless and probably tasteless to him. He drove back to his place and put the clothes in the closet.

Next, Tony went grocery shopping; each aisle holding memories of her somehow. Fresh fruits and vegetables; olives in the condiment aisle; chicken breasts in the meat section; braided challah at the bakery. He bought it all because while it stirred up tears, it also brought comfort to be reminded of her. Back at home, he put the groceries away and then sat on the sofa, cell phone in hand.

He turned it on for the first time since he entered the plane in Tel Aviv. He heard the text alert chime and put the phone on the coffee table. Did he want to look? Was she regretting her decision to stay in Israel? Would she be coming home to him?

"Stop torturing yourself, DiNozzo; get a grip on it," he spoke out loud to ground himself and picked up the phone. There were two messages, one from Tim and one from Ziva. He looked at the one from Tim first.

' _Heard you are coming back to DC. Let me know if you need a ride or anything_.' Tony smiled at the message; Probie really was like a little brother to him. He checked the time and sent a quick reply.

' _Back in DC. Got some things to get done today; see you at the office tomorrow. Thanks, bro_ '

He had barely gone back to the list of unread messages when a reply came in: ' _Welcome home; here if you need me any time_ '. Tim really was a good friend; Tony smiled to himself. Tim would be the first friend he would allow to get closer.

Ziva's message was short but meaningful: ' _Safe travels. I love you. Made the call. Always, Z_ '

Tony hit the reply icon: ' _In my apt; miss you. Always. T_ ' He put the phone on the table; he was not expecting her to respond but he did want her to know he was home safely. Sitting still allowed the time difference to catch up with him; he realized that he hadn't eaten a substantial meal since dinner the night before in Israel. He went to the kitchen and prepared a chicken breast with sautéed vegetables for dinner. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and took his meal to the living room. He picked up the remote and flipped the TV to a movie channel as he ate.

A sharp rapping on a door startled him awake; 'ZIVA!' was his first thought as he bolted upright. He stood to check the door and heard the sound again, realizing it was coming from the TV and not the door. Tony picked up the remote and shut the TV off. He checked the time (only 1850) and gathered the dishes. After washing the dishes and food preparation pan, he decided to get a drink and go to bed. He poured two fingers of scotch into a glass and downed it in one swallow.

Tony moved to the bathroom and completed his nightly routine, stripped to his boxers and lay on the bed hugging Ziva's pillow. He buried his face in to the pillow inhaling her scent. God, what had he done? Leaving her on that tarmac was the biggest mistake of his life. He sobbed into the pillow, hugging it closely and cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, Tony was dressed and ready to head to the Navy Yard by 0530. He put on his best game face and drove to work. At the gate, the guard waved him through with a "welcome back, Agent DiNozzo!" Tony parked and entered the building, showing his ID. He entered the elevator and pressed the button for the MCRT's floor. He pushed thoughts of Ziva out of his mind until he entered the bullpen. Once he sat at his desk, he looked over at the desk across from him and nearly lost it.

A mental head slap and a determination to not show any emotion brought him back to reality. The boss's desk looked as though the man had not been there yet today. Tony breathed a sigh of relief. He needed some time alone at his desk before facing Gibbs and the rest of them. Director Vance stepped off the elevator about 0610 and motioned for Tony to follow him upstairs.

"Welcome back, Agent DiNozzo. Are you back for good?" Leon had talked to Gibbs yesterday, after Gibbs had talked to Ziva the night before.

"Yes, sir," Tony replied. "Ready to do my job, sir."

"Good," Leon looked at the agent carefully. "Gibbs will be glad to see you." Tony turned to leave and Leon spoke again, "Tony, my door is open if you need to talk." Tony nodded and said nothing. He wondered just how much Vance knew.

In the bullpen, Gibbs was just getting back to his desk with coffee when Tony came down the stairs. Gibbs nodded in Tony's direction and said nothing. "Good to see you too, Boss." Tony sat in his chair and skimmed over the papers McGee had left for him the previous day. He tried not to look across at the empty desk. At 0645, Tim stepped off the elevator.

"Hey, Probie," Tony grinned at his friend. "You're late."

"Good morning, Tony," Tim replied. "I'm not late, you're early!" He smiled at his friend, trying to see through the façade that he knew Tony was wearing. Gibbs had briefed him, Ducky, Jimmy and Abby yesterday about the situation with Ziva. They all knew she was not coming back and that Tony came home alone. From what Gibbs told them, Tim figured that Tony was emotionally a mess. Ziva had allowed Gibbs to share that Tony had been with her for the better part of two months.

Tim barely had time to put his things down when Abby came running into the bullpen. "Tony, you're back!" She rushed over to her friend and wrapped him in an Abby hug. "We missed you, and we really were hoping that you would come back with…" she stopped midsentence when she noticed both Tim and Gibbs giving her the 'cut' motion.

"Air, Abs," Tony gasped. She let go of him and looked him over.

"So how are you?" she asked.

Tony was about to reply that he was fine when Ducky and Autopsy Gremlin stepped off the elevator. Jimmy hugged Tony, "Welcome home."

Ducky shook Tony's hand, "Good to have you back, Anthony."

Gibbs stood up and grabbed his coffee cup, passing by Tony and the others as he headed to get a refill. "Time to get to work," he barked as he walked past. The group scattered to their various work areas and Tony returned to reading the files that Tim had left for him. He noticed Tim glancing at him.

"Something on your mind, Tim?"

"Um, no, um, yeah, um…" Tim stammered. "If you need to talk, I've got your six," he blurted out as Gibbs reappeared near the bullpen.

"Talk later, we got work to do," Gibbs was brusque as he sat back at his desk. Tony and Tim exchanged glances and went back to the papers on their desks. With no active case, the team stayed at their desks for most of the day. When Gibbs told the two to go home at 1900, Tony headed straight to Ziva's place to gather more of his clothing. He changed from his suit to jeans and piled most of the rest of his suits and shirts into the car. He grabbed the two blue bears from the living room and placed them side by side on the passenger seat. Back at his place, he unloaded the car and put his suits and shirts away. He grabbed some of the veggies from the previous day's meal and glanced at his watch: 0145. He stripped to his boxers, placed the two bears on his dresser and fell on to the bed. He tossed and turned and hugged Ziva's pillow, falling into a fitful sleep. God he missed her…

At 0530, he showered, dressed and headed to the Navy Yard. The day was a repeat of the previous one and he again headed to Ziva's apartment to take more of his clothing back to his place. Exhausted after he put the next load away, he poured a glass of scotch, grabbed a sandwich and then fell on the bed. He woke about three hours later, sweating and calling her name. He pulled her pillow to him, hugging it tightly and lay there awake until his alarm sounded at 0530 on Friday morning.

On Friday night, he moved the last of his clothing back to his apartment, falling into a fitful sleep about 0220. He was awake at 0530 and after a breakfast omelet and a shower, he headed to Ziva's apartment again. Once inside, Tony inspected every room and did a rough calculation on the number of boxes he would need to pack out the place. At 0800, he was the first customer of the day at the storage facility near his place. He signed a lease on a unit and purchased about a hundred boxes. The manager assured him that any unused boxes could be returned for credit.

At 0900, he was back at Ziva's place and packing boxes. About 1300, he called in a pizza delivery order and ate most of the pizza as he worked. By 2200, he had packed out the living room and most of the clothes that she had left. He sat on the bed, eating the last piece of pizza. He drained the last of the wine in the bottle he had found in the kitchen. Tears started falling and he lay back on the bed exhausted.

Tony was awakened at 0730 by a pounding on the door. He quickly grabbed his jeans and ran to the door, hoping against hope that it was Ziva come back to him. He peeked through the viewer to see Tim outside. He opened the door, "What're you doing here, Tim?"

"I was worried about you, Tony. You didn't answer my calls or texts so I traced your phone signal here." Tim had debated pinging Tony's cell but it was not like Tony to ignore texts. "I brought coffee and bacon, egg and cheese biscuits. Are you okay?" Tim held up a takeout bag.

Tony ran his hand over his face, "I'm fine, Probie. C'mon in and thanks for breakfast." He motioned for Tim to follow him to the breakfast bar. He grabbed some paper towels to use as napkins and placemats as Tim opened the bag of food.

"I know you're lying, Tony, but if you want to talk, I'll listen," Tim offered Tony a coffee and a wrapped biscuit. He looked around the kitchen and adjoining living room. "Are you packing out?"

"Yeah; gonna put it all in storage. Got a place already. I can't get rid of any of it, Tim."

The two men ate in silence for several minutes. Tony spoke again, "I feel so empty. God, I miss her."

Tim nodded and kept quiet, knowing that if he did, Tony was more likely to keep talking.

"I understand that she needs to find herself and that she needs to do it alone, Tim. But I feel like I screwed up when I left her on that tarmac. Hey, would you help me move stuff to the storage place next weekend? Also, help me move the bed to my place? I'm gonna put my twin bed in storage," Tony rambled.

"Sure, I'll help. Need some help packing up today?" Tim nodded at Tony.

"Okay, thanks Tim."

For the next six hours the two men worked in companionable silence, occasionally broken by Tony making a random comment or one of them asking the other to hold flaps while taping up a box. Tony put all of the canned goods and other pantry items into a box to take back to his apartment. In the bathroom, he came across a partially used bottle of Ziva's shampoo and he put that in with the items to go to his place. He had opened the top and inhaled deeply of the mixed jasmine and vanilla scent that would forever be associated with her in his mind.

At 1700, Tony suggested that they order a pizza for delivery to his place. He piled the boxes of pantry food into his car along with the case of beer that they found in the refrigerator, and put the box with the extra sets of sheets into Tim's car.

They had just carried the last box of canned goods into Tony's place when the pizza arrived. Tony brought two plates from the kitchen and a beer for each of them. He lifted his beer to Tim, "Thanks for being a good friend." He drank half of the beer in one swig and grabbed a slice of pizza.

Two hours later, Tim was trying to get a sobbing Tony into the bed. Tony had downed a can of beer with each slice of pizza he ate and then two more; Tim counted seven beers total. After the fourth beer, Tony had started rambling about "the worst decision of his life" and leaving Ziva in Israel. After beer number six, the man just sat looking at the floor crying. With beer seven, he had leaned on Tim's shoulder and sobbed. Tim, not quite sure what to do, wrapped an arm around his friend and rubbed his back.

"Zee my so may," mumbled the inebriated Tony. He tried to stand upon his own, but without success, so Tim led him to the bedroom and guided him on to the bed. He took off Tony's shoes as the older man grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly.

After getting Tony settled into his bed, Tim cleaned up the pizza box and beer cans and grabbed the remaining three full cans to take with him. The last thing Tony needed was to be drinking any more tonight.

Over the second and third weekends in October, Tim helped Tony move the contents of Ziva's apartment to the storage unit and also helped him get the queen sized bed set up in Tony's apartment. At work, Tony put on his best no emotion façade, but Tim saw through it. Everyone at NCIS fell into a "don't mention her name" mentality in the hopes of keeping Tony from completely losing it. Tony slept fitfully, getting very little restful sleep. He felt as though he were a shell of a person, missing the heart of his being. "Game face on," became his mantra.


	7. Decisions in Israel

Chapter 7: Decisions in Israel

November 2013

Ziva had kept herself busy during October. She had volunteered to read to three and four year olds at the local library two mornings each week. The little ones helped her see good in the world and she enjoyed hearing their comments on the stories she read to them. She also found a women's support group at the community center that met every Tuesday evening. Both activities were ways for her to focus on other things besides missing Tony.

She looked into taking classes at the university where Schmeil taught and signed up for a history of cinema and theater class for college credit and a painting class for personal enrichment. Keeping busy during the day got her out of her headspace and helped her start to forgive herself.

The hardest times were at night when she was alone with her thoughts. Some nights she would sit on the porch and watch the stars and listen to the sounds of the night. Some nights she tossed in her bed and finally gave up trying to sleep and watched movies on the TV. She bought a copy of Casablanca at a yard sale; the start of her new video collection. By the end of October, she had purchased about forty movies, including The Sound of Music and several Disney movies.

On the nights the dark thoughts and regrets overwhelmed her, she would hug Tony's pillow and cry herself to sleep. She wore his OSU shirt every night. Three days after he left, she had found another of his t shirts in the laundry. She inhaled his scent and sobbed for almost an hour.

The second week in November, she noticed that she felt tired more often than usual. The morning of her birthday, she ate breakfast at 0600 and at 0630 threw up the contents of her stomach. She had been nauseous each morning for the past three days. In the bathroom, she looked for some upset stomach relief and realized that she had not had a period since right before Rosh Hashanah.

Ziva had been planning to go shopping that day for groceries so she also stopped at the local drug store and picked up three pregnancy tests. She put the perishable groceries away and sat on the sofa reading the directions on each of the tests. What ifs starting threading through her thoughts. What if she were pregnant? What if she had another miscarriage? What if she carried a baby to term? What if she hadn't sent Tony away? The thought hit her that if their baby had survived in April, she would have already given birth. A sob escaped her throat and she curled up in a ball on the couch. Why was the universe so cruel to her?

She was pulled from her thoughts by her phone signaling an incoming text message. She picked up the phone and swiped the screen. When she saw that the message was from Tony, tears fell. She opened the message.

' _Happy birthday, sweetcheeks. I love you and miss you. Hope you are well. T_ ' She read the message twice before putting her phone down. She debated whether to reply or not, deciding to wait until later in the day. She needed to do the tests before she made any decisions.

Determined to know the results, Ziva took the three packages to the bathroom. She took the tests out of the packaging and peed on each of them, placing the sticks on the counter and then walking to the kitchen to finish putting away the groceries. Thirty minutes later, she was back in the bathroom, sitting on the floor with three positive results laid out in front of her. Part of her was in shock, a small part was happy, and most of her was terrified.

Nettie found her niece sitting on the floor of the bathroom half an hour later. "Zivaleh, what is the matter?" Nettie saw the tear streaks and look of panic on the younger woman's face. She noticed the test sticks on the floor.

"Doda, I am pregnant." Ziva blurted out and burst into tears. "I totally forgot that I was going to cook for you tonight!"

Nettie sat next to her niece and wrapped her arms around the woman, letting her sob it out. She rubbed a hand over Ziva's back to soothe her and made comforting sounds.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I… I do not know for sure… have to go to doctor first," Ziva stammered out. She didn't want to disrupt Tony's life in DC, especially after sending him away over a month ago. She wasn't ready to go back yet, and if she truly were pregnant, she did not want to run the risk of having his heart broken yet again if she miscarried. Better that he did not know, she thought…

"He deserves to know, Ziva. You need to tell him," Nettie got her opinion in before Ziva shut down the discussion by suggesting that the two go cook the meal together.

Ziva scheduled an appointment with an ob/gyn for the following Monday. Dr. Yael Oppenheim was given high ratings on the website she looked at for possible doctors. She was also affiliated with the hospital closest to the farmhouse, a plus.

On Monday, she arrived a half hour before her appointment to fill out all of the new patient forms and questionnaires. She put her Doda Nettie as her emergency contact. When she got to the medical history section, she hesitated. She realized she had to be honest to get the best medical treatment, but it also opened up many old wounds to have to share some of the incidents from her past. She decided to leave that section blank and told the receptionist that she would explain in more detail to the doctor.

Once Ziva was brought back to the exam area, the tech had her give a urine sample and then change to a hospital gown. She explained that if the test was positive, they would be doing a pelvic exam and a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy. Ziva sat in the exam room and waited for the doctor. She tried to quiet her mind and keep the thoughts that she did not deserve to be a mother from sending her into a downward spiral.

"Hello, Ziva," Dr. Oppenheim entered the room with Ziva's chart and a printed copy of the urine test. "Your test is positive, so I am going to have you lie back and I will do a pelvic exam. Then we will move you to the sonography room and do a vaginal sonogram. It won't hurt at all, and it will give us a picture of your developing baby." Ziva nodded that she understood. She lay down on the exam table and let the doctor palpate her abdomen.

"So what is this about explaining your medical history?"

"It is complicated," Ziva began. "Well, some of it is…"

"Tell me, please."

"Well, I had a miscarriage at twelve weeks back in April of this year in the US," Ziva started off. "I can give you the doctor's information if you need copies of the records."

"Yes, please do," Dr. Oppenheim sensed there was more that Ziva had not told her.

"Before I got pregnant earlier this year, I was told that I could not have children by three other doctors…" Ziva trailed off; talking about Somalia with a stranger was not easy.

"And why was that?" Dr. Oppenheim gently tried to get Ziva to tell the reason.

"I… I… was held… prisoner… in Somalia," Ziva started to tear up, "And I was repeatedly raped by…" Tears fell as she tried to explain.

Dr. Oppenheim took Ziva's hand in hers, "Got it; you do not need to say more unless you want to. What about the father?"

"Same man, both the miscarriage and this pregnancy, but he is out of the picture. He is living and working in the United States."

At the sonography room, the tech explained to Ziva what the procedure involved and how it was different from the ones she had in DC. When the images started appearing on the screen, Dr. Oppenheim pointed to a spot the size of a small blueberry. "There is your baby, Ziva. Based in this image, you are between six and seven weeks pregnant which concurs with the information you gave us that you believe the date of conception to be 30 September."

At that moment one of the doctor's assistants came into the room with a printed out set of pages. "Doctor O., excuse me, I have Ms. David's records here. She was a US Federal Agent, and Bethesda and her doctor from the US sent them quickly." She handed the doctor the papers.

The woman skimmed through the records, reading the notes from April and the follow up in June. "You did not know you were pregnant in the spring, correct?"

"That is correct, we found out at the ER," Ziva had gone into what Tony called her Mossad mode; just the facts with no emotion.

"You sustained injuries in an automobile accident and a fight?"

"Yes." Ziva was worrying that she was going to find out she would not be carrying any baby to term. She looked at the doctor with fear in her eyes, trying not to let it show.

Dr. Oppenheim took Ziva's hand in hers, "Do not be afraid, Ziva. You have a very good chance at a normal pregnancy this time. You came in early, and you have not been injured in any way with this pregnancy. I will do everything I can to get you to term."

Ziva nodded and wiped at her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.

Ziva left the office about thirty minutes later with a prescription for prenatal vitamins, an appointment for her next regular visit in a month and an appointment for a more detailed sonogram at eleven to twelve weeks. She must have had a deer in the headlights look when the doctor said twelve weeks, as she was quickly reassured that it was routine for checking the growth of the baby and the due date.

Once home, Ziva called her aunt. "Doda, I am…"

"Congratulations, Zivaleh! You will be a fantastic mother," Nettie interrupted her niece's news. She was just excited for Ziva and hoped that the baby would push Ziva into reuniting with Tony. "Did you call him?"

"No, Doda, I am going to wait until after the first trimester. I do not want to get his hopes up and have him hurt again if something happens. Besides, I cannot just disrupt his life with a baby." Ziva sighed. Her aunt would never drop the nagging to call Tony to tell him about his child.

"Ziva, promise me you will tell him," Nettie prodded.

"I cannot, Doda. I cannot make a promise I may not be able to keep." Ziva wiped a tear from her eye as she spoke, glad that Nettie was on the phone and not there in person. The last thing she needed was to have her aunt see her tears.


End file.
